Vulnerable

Photo credit: unknown 

Hi all,

This morning I woke up with bad headache and sore eyes because last night I couldn't sleep as I was thinking about I will have to go to evening shift which the shift ends at 10 p.m. My journey home will take 1 hour 45 minutes so by the time I reached home, it would be 12 a.m already. Due to this, I feel like my emotional and mental health will further declining. I've been feeling some parts of me are not me anymore. I couldn't be positive, unmotivated and easily irritated all the time. I don't like engaging with people too nowadays because I wouldn't know what's their intention. I'm scared of opening up cause I don't want to be used again. Sometimes, I feel like too slow to see ahead of the games people be playing. People are so mean. I really don't wanna be around people. 😭

Last night too, I dreamt of going back to my uni life. Woke up early to do laundry, have breakfast with my dear friends, go to early class (I love morning class cause you will have all the evening to you), do some revision, finish up assignment, walk around the lake, prepare dinner and talk about all sort of different thing yet still felt understood despite different background. I really miss having the control to my time and normal timetable. (Read: day for work, night for resting, weekend off). 

My circle back then was really nice. They are so genuine and have no ulterior motive. When they're nice, it's because they are nice. They're not being nice because they can benefit from you. They're not nice so they will stab you or use you. They're just nice being. It was easier to read people too, cause if they don't like you, they will show, but now even if they don't like you, they will pretend like they like you until they destroy you. By then, you're on your own. 

This is probably another my lowest point in life and I feel people misunderstood me all the time. I'm sick, tired and just wanna hibernate away from human.

Regards,

Nill

Look Good, Look EXTRA Good

Photo credit:-
Instagram: princesscheeto@

Hello there,

Have you ever had a moment in your days that you can't just be bothered by how you look? Like " this is me, I can look however I look" and some days, there is some kind of weird energy to put extra effort to look good, dress up and put on some make up and make you go "I'm fabulous!" when you're done grooming yourself.

I know I do 😂

Thing is, I usually look good in my typical nice blouse or I tucked in my blouse with my fancy ribbon pants. On the days I look extra good, I tend to get reaction such:

"Wow! You look really good"

"Is that really you?"

"You look different"

"You should wear nicely/put make up everyday"

and more....🤦🏻‍♀️

Okay, don't get me wrong. I really understand where that statement is coming from. I mean, when you're putting effort to how you look you'll definitely look better than you usually are hence drawing such statement therefore there are some part of me disagreeing having people to decide how frequent I should put so much effort on my look. I mean can't you appreciate me and talk to me beyond how or about my look?

Sometimes, I feel like "am I really look that bad if I don't put on my make up, in my baggy pants and loose clothes?" No, that's just my insecurities kicks in and I'm not supposed to let my insecurities taking over myself neither do you. In times when you're in the mood to look good and you encounter such situation mentioned above, it's best to just thank those people and not taking things to hard to yourself. They probably meant well and has no ill feeling for their statement.

Chill and rock your style: bare face or full on make up, baggy pants or skinny jeans, fancy dress or loose hoodie. It's your choice, own it with confident. 👸👏

Side story: -

So today, I have to work from home due to recent Covid-19 outbreak and had first GVC for WFH. I turned my camera on because I don't really mind on how I look with or without make up. I was raised not bend myself according to shitty beauty standard. Some dude really have the audacity to say "so that's your real face at home" 🤦🏻‍♀️ Like, excuse me? My face has always been real all the damn time. This is the reason why majority of the women feels the need to "look good" all the time when they're already look good. What if the table turn and guys are told to do this and that to make them look good? Please everyone, just shut up if you don't have anything nice to say.

Regards,
Nill

Piece of Mind: Worklife

Photo credit: Medium Corp.

Hi all,

Back here again and this is an overdue post tbh.

Today, I would like to write about worklife. It was inspired from this tweet I read.

Let me start with my work experience which I started right after I'm done with SPM.

My humble beginning start as:

1) Cashier at a petrol station. Fresh out of school, extremely little knowledge about working world, I didn't know EPF exist. What is EPF tho? Briefly; EPF is Employee Provident Fund or also known as Kumpulan Wang Simpanan Pekerja (KWSP) in Malay. EPF is linked under federal statutory body under the purview of the Ministry of Finance. It manages the compulsory savings plan and retirement planning for private sector workers in Malaysia. Membership of the EPF is mandatory for Malaysian citizens employed in the private sector, and voluntary for non-Malaysian citizens. (Read more: EPF Wikipedia)

But.....

 I wasn't getting any of it for 11 months or less I'm working there, hence first advice when you work for the first time:

•  Find out your right as an employee. As much as you want to please your employer by being a dedicated person that doesn't mean you have to keep silent if some of your right are being denied.

I work there as a part-timer, even so EPF is compulsory no matter what position you're working as. I don't really make a fuss out of it cause I only get to know EPF existed towards the end of my time working there before pursuing my studies in Miri.

2) Aaaaa, year 2015: Determined, dedicated, full of hope in landing jobs as per what I've studied. Just for your info, I studied in Occupational Safety and Health. Therefore, I believe Allah had better planning. I applied for every possible vacancy, received 3-5  interview but made it to one job and that is in Customer Service. Those who had work in customer service know the mental struggle is real as you have to deal with people and people are sometimes too challenging to handle. Workplace wise, it was okay. My colleagues were all nice people and helpful enough to make what is difficult becomes easy. Working here got me learn a lot of thing: social, communication, PATIENCE, problem solving in timely manner and some FFTI. When some customer purchase in bulk for corporate uses, they will be needing FFTI to proceed with the claim but getting is such a hassle especially when the respective PIC keep passing the ball instead of taking ownership. I end up wrote the FFTI instead for the PIC to have officially recognised, hence lesson number 2:

• It's okay to learn everything, what is not okay is attempting to do everything even out of helping for those who are irresponsible towards their jobs. They will start taking advantage out of you. Be firm enough to say no. 

I used to stay-back for one whole night at the office just to clear all backdated email. I shouldn't, you shouldn't too stay until odd hours just to complete your work cause work will never be finished. 

Lesson 3: 

• Manage your time and priorities properly. Recognise which task needed your attention first, that's how you get things done in time without sacrificing yourself and your precious self-time. 

3) After 1 year if working there, I received a better offer. Still that optimistic lady, I look forward for my new job where I have to think of how can I improve overall customer experience and employee's performance. The office politics started to surface and it's nasty. This brings me to lesson 4:

• Do not get involves in other people's business regardless your intention is to help. It will backfire you. Redirect people who shares their problem to the respective person regardless if the person complaining about how difficult dealing with that respective person.

4) I lasted 4 months there and get much better offer. Still optimist, I was a pioneer for a new workflow so knowing exactly how a newbies would feel, I became the one who welcomes everyone but that wasn't exactly the right move. Honestly, I can say I'm a nice person, perhaps too nice and naive to understand that being transparent and nice doesn't mean everyone will do the same. Some will fail to appreciate your genuine intention and started using you until you fall into the pit hence lesson 5:

• Absolutely no personal feeling and talking. They're your colleagues. You will never know their true intention of being close to you. Everyone has their own agenda especially when you're working in a well known company where competition are stiff and all they see is climbing the ladder no matter what are the method. Some people? They just have big ass mouth and pathetic life that all they can do is speaking of others. So yes, save all that personal thoughts for the one you truly close to and probably be mask how you feel about someone.

Lastly, keep doing your work honestly and the reward will come to you accordingly. Have goals because that will help you stay sane in the crazy working world. Toughen up because you will face so many rejection, stress and even be clueless for the lacking of support you will need from the people in your team. That could happen and are happening. Remember not to beat yourself when you're all alone and no one could relate to how you think or feel. You will get where you want to be sooner or later. Understand that it's okay to get mad, sad because we're human after all. Please take the MC when you're sick. Get the rest you deserve. 

Being a young adult is surely challenging when you're expected to be a full grown adult while thrown into manipulative and sneaky working life although all you want is to just trying to learn. Hang in there, you got this! I pray that success will be by us who truly work genuinely. ❤️

Regards,

Nill

I'm Back!

Dear all,

It's been so long since the last I updated my blog. Reason being is that I've been busy with other stuff that I actually have no time to write, something I've always love to do.

I've cleared all my previous post as I intended to start fresh as my writing skills and choices of words in the past is kinda out place and disorganized.

If you somehow are reading my post at the moment, hi and hope you're doing well wherever you may be.

Turning a new leaf,
Nill